listen

Mary’s mom, Susie took her life in 1993

Hi mom,
I wanted to let you know that you’re a grandma now. Can you believe it? Last year I married my best friend and we made a beautiful baby boy named Presley. He has your dimples. They’re not as deep as yours, but they come out when he smiles and they always remind me of you. It breaks my heart that he won’t know you. You’d be such a perfect grandmother. It’s been so difficult not having you here for many chapters of my life, but especially for this one. Motherhood is so beautiful but so intense and it’s cracked my heart wide open. I wish you were here to hold my hand through all of it. It’s hard for a little girl to lose her mom, but it’s also hard for a woman to become a mother without her mom around. I miss you so much.
I’ll never forget the way you loved people (especially me and Micah) or the way you were so selfless and eager to help others. So many people showed up to your funeral that there were no seats left in the church and people were standing in the aisles and outside on the porch. I was little but I remember a piano playing Amazing Grace and faces becoming blurred by my tears as I listened to stories I’d never heard about how you’d touched someone’s heart or helped them in one way or another. Your kindness and compassion inspired me, even as a young, grieving girl. I remember thinking you were like an angel on earth. I still think maybe you were.

I’ve had a hard time writing this letter to you and I think maybe it’s because I’m still struggling to understand why you chose to leave us. Now that I have a child of my own, it’s even harder for me to wrap my head around it.
My only solace is that you’re no longer suffering. I know in some way you must have thought that leaving us was the best thing for us. I realize now that I may never truly understand that decision. I know you needed more help and I’m so sorry that you didn’t get it.
I wish the world would talk more openly about mental illness without shame or judgement so that people would get the help they deserve. One of the greatest lessons I’ve taken from your death is that our darkness isn’t something to fear. There’s light and darkness inside all of us and life is about embracing them both and finding a balance between the two. I try my best to find that balance every day and to stay present and grateful.

I wish I could’ve told you I loved you one last time. I want you to know that you were a wonderful mother and I appreciate all the countless sacrifices you made for our family. Thank you for loving us unconditionally and for the years of guidance, protection and comfort and head rubs. I love you so much and I’ll always be your little light.
Your loving daughter,
Mary

Mary Wiggins owns & operates a small, ethically-sourced shop in Santa Monica called Chris + Mary. She is a yoga teacher and massage therapist by trade. She lives in Santa Monica with her husband and 4 month old son Presley.