Shannon Clements Parry
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Shannon gave birth to her full term stillborn son, Liam in 2009
Dear Liam,
It’s been 9 years since I heard those unimaginable words, inter-uterine fetal demise. I didn’t know what that meant. I didn’t know why the midwives moved to the background of our previously calm and powerful delivery room. I didn’t know. I didn’t know this happened. I didn’t know there was something called stillbirth. I didn’t know you wouldn’t be joining our family as expected. I didn’t know then, but I know now. I know now that this was not our journey together. You died on the same day you were born and I will never be the same. When you died, your dad and I promised ourselves that we would grieve together and we would have other children. We knew right away that we were grieving two separate things. We were grieving the loss of our opportunity to parent. We were so excited to be parents and to come to know you and ourselves through the journey of parenting. We made a commitment before we left the hospital that we would have more children. And you know what? You have an amazing sister. She was born 11 months after you died. And you have a little brother, who looks so much like you when he was born, that I couldn’t watch him sleep.
Our family is OK now, we are full of love and laughter and all the things that come from parenting. But the thing is, we knew we could heal the grief that came from losing our chance to become parents, we did that, We’re doing that. But that other grief, the one that’s specific to you, the grief that stands at the center of my being, because you, my first born son, you died. That grief doesn’t go away. I feel you every day. Sometimes I feel you with gratitude because you taught me so much about being a parent, about being strong and about getting through the impossible. But sometimes, sometimes I feel you in an unexpected thought or scent or sound. And that grief, well, that grief is still crushing. It leaves bare my broken heart and soul. Because of you, I’ll never ask another mom how many children she has because I know the heartbreak of trying to decide in that moment how to answer. Because of you I will honor and hold space for the multitude of ways grief shows up in the lives of my friends and family. Because of you, I will never judge another mother. Because of you, I will hold my living children in the highest regard and respect them as the precious gifts that they are. And Because of you, I will sometimes cry when the sunset catches my heart. Or scream at the ocean when I just can’t take it anymore. Because of you, my love, I am who I am. And I will move through each day with a grace and presence that honors your heartbreakingly short and immensely powerful life.
I love you.
Mom
Shannon Clement Parry lives in Los Angeles with her husband, Mike, daughter, Asha, and her son, Bodan. She is a sustainability professional, advocate and activist.