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Adam took his life in March of 2018

Dear Adam,

I didn’t learn your birthday until the day I found out you had died. It was one of the things that had frustrated me for the previous week. It seemed like things were starting to get more serious between us and it bothered me that after 2.5 months I didn’t know what day you were born. We had spent countless hours talking about our lives our hopes and dreams, shared meals, shared ourselves, I even had the code to get into your apartment complex, but I didn’t know such a basic piece of info about you. I was going to start our next conversation with “I don’t know when your birthday is, and I want to know more about you.” But I never got to ask you that question. Instead I learned it off an obituary on a website hours after someone told me you were dead. But let me start at the beginning.

I wasn’t supposed to fall for you. In fact if things had gone according to plan, we probably would never have met. I was supposed to have spent last December traveling halfway across the world, but health issues derailed the trip. Instead I ended up in LA for the holidays and matched online with you on Christmas Eve. We met for our first date a few weeks later.

When you walked into the bar I was taken with how cute and tall you were, and then through our conversation what an interesting life you led, and how fascinating of a person you were. I was so tired from work, but I didn’t want that date to end. I thought it was so sweet how you walked me to my car then asked me to go out with you again a few days later.

That date was great, and I thought you were a really nice and solid guy. But I wondered where things could go. In our first conversation you told me that in September you were scheduled to be deployed. I worried that I would get attached and then you would leave, so I decided for the time being to not take this too seriously and just have fun. But on our 4th date something changed. We were sitting at a restaurant and a girl sat behind me with her dog. You stared at the dog with the biggest grin on your face. You told me I was cute but that the dog was cuter and that you were just going to stare at it for the rest of the night. It was the most adorable thing, and it struck, one day I want you to look at me that way. And so I started to fall for you. And the more I got to know you the more amazing I thought you were. A true gentleman with a heart of gold who shared similar values with me and cared about helping and protecting others. When we spent time together, there were no distractions, no cell phones, just you and me. I had never felt like this with someone before in my life. I knew you were special.

And so I planned a happy hour so that one of my friends could meet you and give me her take on you. I don’t know if you could tell, but I was so nervous. But you rubbed my knee and I held your hand under the table and it seemed like a fun night. I remember the 3 of us walking back from the bar and you walked ahead of us with your hands in your pocket and you looked upset. I thought it was because of a cancelled trip you had just been telling us about. When we got back to your place you seemed in your own head. I just wanted to hold you close, but you needed space so I let you do the things you need to do. You wanted a piece of chocolate, and you broke me off a piece. I didn’t like it, so I gave it back to you. You ate it and then you kissed me. And it seemed like everything would be ok. That night you made an off handed comment that there was no one else, but I didn’t grasp it til later. It was something I was planning to ask you the next time we hung out, after I had made you tell me your birthday.

The next morning you set your alarm clock for 7 so you could go to the gym, but instead you held me close we snuggled til 8. I knew I had to get going, but I didn’t want to leave you, it felt so amazing lying in your arm. So I stayed in bed with you as long as I could, past the point of being late for work, and then quickly showered and packed my bag and gave you a quick kiss as I ran out your door.

The next evening I texted you when I was done with work, and then fell asleep. I woke at 11:30 at night and didn’t see a reply so I fell back asleep. When I woke in the morning I found a text from you at 11:24. I still can’t believe I didn’t see it that night when I woke up. It was such a simple text, and something I will never forget. You asked me what I was up to. I replied in the morning but never heard back. And over the next few days texts went unanswered. At first I thought you were blowing me off. I thought you were ghosting me. It made me sick to my stomach thinking that a few days prior we had shared something special and then you just disappeared on me. I was planning to show up at your apartment to confront you, but instead, that was the day I found out when your birthday was.

That a few hours after you texted me, you took your gun and killed yourself.

And the moment I found out you were dead, I knew my life was never going to be the same. I didn’t sleep for weeks, and have slept with the light on almost every day since you’ve been gone. I think it’s because I’m afraid to have a dream with you in it and then wake up in the dark and not be able to find you. But I know it doesn’t really matter. I am never going to see you again. And, I am haunted by that. And I am haunted by the details of how you died, and I am haunted by the fact that I missed my last chance to talk to you, and I am haunted by the fact that even now when I close my eyes I can still see your face in front of me, and when I open them it feels like you are still here. I have spent so much of the past 7 months replaying every interaction we had and wondering what it meant. And I know I will never really get the real answer to questions like what happened, where were we going, and what I meant to you. And it haunts me.

I know that we only knew each other for a short time, but to me it felt special and real. When you were still here, I felt like I knew so much about your life; I knew about your family dynamics, the process of traveling with your gun, the different places you had lived, that you were training for a race you didn’t want to run. But I didn’t know simple things like what your favorite color was, what music you listened to, what your favorite candy was. And it makes me so sad because there are so many questions I still want to ask you, that I can’t.

Losing you left me numb for months. Things are such a blur. I don’t remember how I got to places, things I did, people I saw. I withdrew from the world because my sadness was so great. My heart was broken, and it broke me. I didn’t want to go on. Many times I thought about what it would be like if I took my life. But I didn’t want the people I cared for to hurt the way I was hurting. So I just sat in my apartment and cried and cried and cried.

Life went on around me, but I stayed stagnant. And while I had planned on getting a dog before I met you, it wasn’t until a few months after you left that I finally got one. I craved something to hold, something to love and since I couldn’t have you, I had to find something else. I fell for you when we talked about the dog in the restaurant, and it felt important that the dog I got reflected a part of who you were. The requirements were strict. Must be male, must have red hair like you did, must be sweet, and must be a rescue. If I couldn’t save you, at least I could try to save something else. It took about a month, but I found the perfect dog, Peanut Butter. Initially I was going to name him Adam, but I worried it would hurt too much to say your name so many times a day, so his middle name became Adam. During the process of adopting Peanut Butter, it seemed like there were signs you were there helping me out. Trying to give me something to move on with. It was my first visit to the vet, when I knew it was meant to be. Peanut Butter had been born about 6 months earlier. Was there a date I wanted to give him? I did the math and without hesitation picked the date. I gave him your birthday, December 8th.

I miss you.

Reba Rosenthal has been working in the entertainment industry for the past 15 years. When she's not on set, she's giving back to the community through various charities and exploring all the wonderful things LA has to offer.