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Raquel’s sister, Nikky died of a sudden cardiac arrest when she was 17

Dear Nikky,

You died on March 9, 1998 and most of me died that day too. Now, 21, almost 22 years later, the part of me that lived has been married for 15 years, has three kids, and loves and misses you everyday. A while ago, I stated writing a journal to you in reverse chronological order to keep you up on all the happenings. There’s so much you’ve missed. I know you know about your nephews and niece and my miscarriage because I still feel you on my soul. I know you know about most, if not all, of the family happenings since you passed away because I feel you on my soul. I know you know about my PTSD and the EMDR to get over it. I know you know that I didn’t talk about what happened to you for nine years and then got your name tattooed on me to force myself to talk about it. I know you know all the good things and all the bad things because I feel you on my soul. I know you know I’m still grieving you. I know you know everything. But today, I miss you so much, and I wish i could tell you all the things! I wish I could hear your voice and laugh. I wish I could hug you.

I wish I could tell you about how hard it is raising kids. I wish I could tell you how hard it is to be married. I wish I could tell you how our parents are so helpful and so annoying at the same time. I wish I could tell you about all my complaints and you would laugh AT me and tell me all the reasons why life is good. I wish I could tell you all the joys in my life that feel incomplete because I can’t share them with you. I wish I could tell you how guilty I feel about living my truly blessed life. I wish I could tell you how scared I am to let go of the grief because I’m scared it means I’ll be letting go of you. I wish I could tell you how much I love you and how sorry I am for all of the times I was a shitty sister. And I wish I could YELL at you one more time to close the door when you pee while we are eating dinner!

I love you so much, always and forever, with all my heart and soul!

Love, Raquel

Raquel Richter is a mother of three children, the eldest is named after Nicole. Raquel works as a postpartum doula in Los Angeles where she lives with her husband and children. She enjoys meditation, cooking, parenting, and the delicious smell of newborns. https://www.resolutionparent.com/