Rachael Desztich

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Rachael had a miscarriage in 2014 with her first pregnancy.

Dear Baby Girl,

I knew it right away - that you were gone. I didn’t want to believe it, but I knew it. Two days later, with the doppler on my belly, the nurse calmly looked me in the eye, and said those words - “your baby has no heartbeat.” I went numb.

We watched the cherry blossoms in the breeze. I took one off the ground to bring it home. I wish I had never got on that plane. The doctor said it was okay, but how could she have known? 

It’s been four years. I wonder all the time what our family would be like with you here. You have a baby brother, his name is Wynn, he’s three. And I’m growing your baby sister now too, we’ll meet her in January too. Did you bring her to us? Would she even exist if you were here?

We still drive by the place where I said goodbye to you, along the coast, where I wrote you a letter and cast it off to sea. I can still feel you there, every time. I feel sadness and loss, and miss you deeply, but I also feel gratitude. You made me a mother, and for that I’ll always be grateful.

Thank you. I love you.

Love,
Your Mama

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Rachael lives in Los Angeles and is a mother to a three year old son and a baby girl on the way. She is the founder and designer of Rachael Harrah www.rachaelharrah.com.