Kim Wilkes
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Kim’s mom, Lauri, died in 1999 of cirrhosis
Todo Sobre Mi Madre...I always thought it was “it's all about THE mother”...just found the poster online. The poster that I saw while lying in Jose’s bed and decided was pretty much the smartest thing i had ever read….it's all about the mother. Never i thought was there a truer statement. This was in 2013. You passed in 1999.
You had been gone two years when we got the phone call that you were in the hospital. We went immediately and got to spend a week by your side. Me, grandma, Aunt Cathy...It was just the two of us when you took your final breaths. I have wondered if you wanted it that way...just the two us...like how I felt most of my life, that it was me and you against the world. This was the hardest part for me to swallow…when you turned down the path of self destruction...it was very selfish and unmotherly in my eyes back then. I was still living under the illusion that you were my mother, that that was your sole existence. It took me a long time to realize that you were living out your own life story, that being a ‘mother’’ was just part of it. You tried to share a little of the trauma you were processing. I doubted at the time what was true...you would repeat yourself a lot and had so often been drinking… I have said lots that I wish we could have know each other as adult women. That we could have spoken as peers. You always treated me as a friend. Unfortunately most of the time we were alive together i was not developmentally capable of being the friend you needed. I needed a mother.
When you passed I felt a feeling like relief. I no longer had to worry if we were going to get a phone call that someone had found you and that you were dead...It took me about 5 years to finally begin to process what your alcoholism did to me. It wasn’t until I was feeling challenged by something Al had done, that I realized that I was angry at you. You left us. You left me to raise your son. I had actively chosen not to have children yet, yet I was raising a teenager. I decided to tell everyone about my anger. I felt liberated in my new feeling.
That feeling has long since gone. I have gone through all of them, probably pretty textbook if i were to look up the stages of grief. It took my a very long time to “get over the way you left us” to stop replaying and retelling all of the events that led to your death...how you told me that one day, the last day we lived together when I was 17, when I came upstairs to yell at you and Brian to stop fighting..you said, ”if you don’t like it here, you can leave.” I did and though we never really talked about it after that, my moving out and moving in with my Aunt lori temporarily and then with my Dad, I definitely felt like my absence at our house allowed you and Brian to get worse maybe...allowed a place where you could do what you wanted without anyone there to police you guys. Turned out it was true. I don’t know if you would've went down as hard and fast as you did if I was there, but that’s neither here nor there now...it was my first step towards making a decision that was for me, in removing myself from the dysfunction.
I am 42 now. 2 years older than you were when you passed. There is no discussion of fairness at this point. I think lots people who are left on earth to grieve a loved one’s passing go through a stage of “taking it personal.” I know the life you lived was your life path, that the pain and joys you experienced were yours to have. You must know that you were the lead in my life story for so long. “Todo Sobre Mi Madre” could so be the title of my autobiography. And thus, healing has played a lead role as well and has been a long and winding part of my life’s path. It hasn’t always been pretty, but thank goodness it has evolved into something much more graceful and healthy. Drinking and talking it out with friends (thank goodness for the community I was gifted. I couldn’t have survived without them) turned into seeking therapy, finding solace in yoga, travel, nature-bathing, and eventually, Theta Healing.
I returned to Chile in 2016, 2 years after I had moved back to my California home. I went back because I wanted to be in a relationship that was lasting and healthy. I call Chile my ‘soul home’ because in the 3 years I lived there, it was where most of my epiphanies occured. I returned because I felt the need to spread all my papers out on a big table, to sift through them, to breathe in an open space, alone, in the place of answers. I had never heard of Theta Healing before, but when I went to do yoga with my friend and yoga teacher Caro, and she spoke so excitedly about this new practice she was offering i knew i had to do it, that it was part of the reason I was there. We sat cross-legged on the ground across from one another with our eyes closed, connected to the 7th Plane, where the spirit realm resides. You know all about it because it is where you live now :) It was there that she connected with you, that she told me how bright your soul light shines, how happy, and at peace you are. She told me that my time for mourning was over, that it was time for me to share my shiny, bright light with the world. That I have chosen a life of awareness, that it was time to move forward with my story. You know I didn't realize that I was still actively mourning your death...I didn’t realize that I had been unconsciously aligning myself with you. I needed to be told these things. That I wouldn’t pass down this trauma to my child.
As you know, I am happily married to that guy. His name is Isaac and our baby girl, Esme, is 6 months old now. She was born eyes wide open, ready to greet the day. You know her because you cared for her while she waited to be born. I was told that she was yours, Brian, Jon, and Tony’s gift to me. I love knowing that. Her full name means “loved goddess of light.” Would you believe that when we chose her name we didn't know the meaning :) I chose Luz to honor you. Your light was your best quality. It is what you’re famous for. Apparently she will carry in your footsteps. As will I. I am now grateful for the lessons I have learned. I am learning to trust my intuition. I have tools now that I have learned to access when I wander away from my center. I have learned this ability to return home. Your life and death cracked me open and were essential to my unfolding, my growth, the woman I am today.
I am happy mom. I know you see that. I sing along to all the songs you introduced me to as a kid. It is when I feel most connected to you. Music, birds in harmonious flight, and hearts. I feel and see all of them when I am present as you connecting with me. One last thing, I noticed that you changed my birthmark. It only morphed into the shape of a heart a few years ago. What a lovely, magical way for you to show me that you are still my mama and that you are still loving me from afar. I cannot think of a more special gift. I love you mom.
In Kim’s words, “I am a teacher, a lover of nature, travel, and all the little things that make life beautiful. I live in Long Beach, Ca with my husband Isaac, our new baby girl, Esme, and our two kitties Ceu & Thiago.”