Erin Thoensen
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Erin’s mother had a second open heart surgery at the age of 64, she survived but then was taken down by a deadly infection shortly after
Dear Mama,
It feels so nice to say that again. I know somewhere along the way I stopped calling you that in the insanity of having 3 kids in 5 years. You noticed, and I know it was one of those things that moms pretend don’t bother them but is just another invisible scar of motherhood that you wear on your heart. I try not to live in the world of ‘what ifs’ but I can’t help but wonder if there was something that we could have done so you could have stayed with us a little longer:
…what if I made you go to the doctor sooner when you got so sick after your surgery?
…what if we had realized that c.diff can be so deadly the second time around?
But at the same time, it’s those ‘what ifs’ that propel me to take chances, to make sure I live life to the fullest in your honor: travel, laugh loudly and often, drink the good wine now, and above all, prioritize time with family and friends. I can’t even begin to tell you how much I miss you, 3 years is a lifetime and also a blink.
I miss talking to you every day on my way home: telling you about work, the daily dramas with the kids, details no one but a mother would care about. I have two voicemails saved from you: one when you were worrying about my pregnancy and the last voicemail you ever left me on my way to our final visit. Your voice saying you love me and to take care of myself has been my anchor during the ebbs and flows of grief.
You would be so proud of your family: the kids are getting big and independent and you have a new beautiful spunky granddaughter. I am so sad that you missed Ali becoming a mom, she is a natural. Fortunately for both of us, we had the best possible example of what a mom should be:
strong, caring, and honest.
As a mother, we love our children long before we can see them and as a child we love our mothers for a lifetime after they are gone.
With all my heart—
Erin
Erin lives in Los Angeles, CA. In her words, “I live with my husband of 11 years and our 3 amazingly crazy children. I love traveling, food, wine and packing in as much as I can in this hectic life.”