Amanda Dawbarn
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Janis was diagnosed with Schizoaffective bipolar disorder in the 90’s
Dear Mama,
I toiled over writing this grief letter to you as if you are no longer with us… but you're still here. Your body is here, and a part of your lucid mind, but a debilitating brain disease has rendered you fretful, confused and delusional most of the time. It is one of the worst kinds of illnesses because it takes you away from us, yet brings glimpses of your happy spirit for a short burst before you disappear again into delusion and the all too familiar darkness of the disease. I am so, so sorry.
I started losing you when I was at the tender young age of 13. As I entered womanhood and needed my mama the most. First you began sleeping most days then staying up all night, saying and doing bizarre things and then it ended in full blown hysteria with law enforcement coming to take you away from us and into the hospital. Scared doesn’t come close to describing how we felt to see you go and not know how to help you. The disease slowly took you away seemingly forever and with it, a big chunk of our hearts. I had to grow up fast.. I had a sister and a brother to take care of. Along with dad whose physical health was ailing. We tried as best we knew how in our young, naive ages to help and visit you, but we felt utter helplessness.
Fast forward to the following years, I started pouring myself into learning about your illness. What new medications and treatments were out there, learning about the pharmacology of it all. I worked tirelessly with your doctors, social workers and nurses and eventually became your legal guardian. I’ve poured half of my life into you, your care from afar and the perpetual grief that has penetrated me every year since your hospitalization.
At times, I didn't want you to be alone in that fretful mind. And I would mentally drag myself down to be with you in that heavy space. I knew you would never want me to do that, but it was a way I could feel closer to you. I still carry hope that you will be back with us in some capacity, because I still see hope in your eyes. Even as this disease takes you away, you are still in there fighting to get your life back. Let’s pinky swear that we will both carry that hope as long as we live. That there will eventually be relief from this illness and you will be able to live life outside of the confines of a hospital. I promise you, your current predicament will not be forever and I will never give up on you.
The bright side is that you have created three children who eventually found a way out of grief’s tight grip and have thrived. We have college degrees, we’ve lived in big cities, have traveled the earth in search of beauty and made comfortable and meaningful lives for ourselves. You made us! You are an amazing woman, mama, you are our example of hope and determination. Without you and without the lessons of this difficult illness, and what you have taught us, we may not be where we are…looking out at a sparkly ocean, breathing in the sea, with a wellspring of hope flowing through our bodies.
Thank you, thank you.
I love you.
Amanda
Amanda is the owner of the event sites 100 Layer Cake and Matchbook. She lives with her husband and little boy in Playa del Rey, California..