listen

Marisa lost her mom Pamela in 2005, she was murdered.

Mama,

It’s been 13 years since you left us here on earth. 13 years! I still have a hard time believing it. There’s been so many things I wish you could’ve seen, so many things I wish I could’ve shared with you. I feel like I was just a child when I lost you. Directionless, carefree, unaware of ever thinking I could lose you in an instant. In the 13 years, I got married, had two beautiful children, bought a house, just got a camper van, continued to travel like we love to do, foloweed my passion and became a photographer for real. But you already know all these things.

I feel you around. I see your dragonfly messengers everywhere. But I miss seeing you in my dreams. I miss feeling close to you, feeling your hands push my hair back, feeling you rub my back. I often imagine us hugging again. We’re standing in the trailer, in the living room and I’m simply hugging you. But I can feel you and I can smell you, and it all feels so real. But then I have to inevitably open my eyes and know that none of it is real anymore.

I don’t know why when I always imagine you and me together it’s in the trailer as this is the exact spot where you were taken from us. Inevitably after I have these moments of feeling you in the trailer, I immediately jump to how you died. And I hate that they usually go together. Because my love and tenderness and thankfulness I feel always gets taken over by anger and rage and injustice. I hate that the way you died seems to overpower all of the life that you led. That the mere word MURDER immediately takes on a while other story, a whole other weight, a whole other path of unanswered questions. It immediately takes me away from you.

You, who I am forever grateful to for being so powerful as a single mom. For being so incredibly loving and supportive and tender and kind and understanding. Why was it you that was taken? Such a loving soul, we need more people like you on this earth! We need people like you as our guides in understanding the greater whole, our interconnectedness of us all. You were such a wise soul and I so miss your teachings.

I always look to you when I’m thinking about my direction in life, when I think about my parenting style or how to connect with my kids. When I think about how I want to lead this life. Many people ask me how I can be so positive and open to loving life after losing you in the way I did. I always tell them that this is what you taught me. That this life is short and fleeting so you better grab on and make it a good one. It was you that taught me to adventure and to savor every moment. It is because of you I drink in every drop of my kids, of Peter, of life and the memories of you in it. It’s because of you that I’m doing this project. It was you that taught me to bring people closer together, to share emotions, to share ourselves. I’m dedicating this project to you.

I love you

Marisa Vitale is a photographer and lives with her husband and 6 year old twins in Venice Beach - www.marisavitale.com